Connection Series: Rekindling the Spark in Marriage

When the butterflies have long flown and the honeymoon phase is but a distant memory, what's left? Quite a lot, actually.

Popular portrayals of marriage often swing between extremes. It is either seen as a passionate, romantic ideal or as a stagnant routine filled with compromise and silent frustration. In reality, most couples find themselves somewhere in between. The erosion of connection tends to happen slowly. It comes through miscommunication, emotional distance, and the quiet weight of unmet needs that accumulate over time.

In Singapore, approximately 7,100 marriages end in divorce or annulment each year (Department of Statistics Singapore, 2024). The most commonly cited reason is "unreasonable behaviour," a broad term that often reflects patterns of withdrawal, unresolved tension, or feeling emotionally unseen.

When closeness begins to fade

Couples often enter therapy with a quiet sense of loss. They are not always fighting. They may still function well as parents or partners in household management. But the warmth, ease, and emotional presence they once shared has thinned out.

This is not a failure. Research shows that the dopamine-driven intensity of early romantic love naturally fades over time as relationships stabilise into long-term attachment (Acevedo et al., 2012). What matters is whether couples learn to build a deeper form of connection once that initial high levels out.

The Gottman Method offers practical tools for this. It teaches couples to rebuild connection through small daily habits like expressing appreciation, checking in after a long day, or showing interest in each other’s world. One practice involves a daily "stress-reducing conversation" where partners talk about external pressures without jumping to fix anything. These moments, when repeated over time, help restore emotional closeness in a natural and sustainable way.

When the gap between partners feels more deeply rooted, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can provide a clearer roadmap. Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT views relationship struggles as patterns of emotional insecurity rather than personal failings. It helps couples identify the negative cycles they are stuck in, such as when one person reaches out through frustration and the other shuts down. Over time, EFT helps both partners understand and express the more vulnerable emotions underneath these reactions, like fear of rejection or the need to feel supported. Studies show EFT helps around 70 to 75 percent of distressed couples rebuild trust and intimacy.

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT), a widely used form of EFT, focuses on strengthening the emotional bond between partners. It treats relationship distress not as a flaw to fix, but as a signal that emotional safety has been compromised. Couples learn to identify their deeper attachment needs and express those needs in ways that invite closeness rather than defensiveness. The process helps partners move from reactivity to responsiveness. As trust is rebuilt, communication and intimacy often begin to return more naturally.

When conflict becomes repetitive

Arguments in long-term relationships often follow a predictable rhythm. Couples may fight about parenting, finances, or housework, but the real issue is usually about feeling dismissed, disrespected, or emotionally alone.

Therapy helps slow these moments down. The Gottman Method focuses on reducing harsh start-ups and helping couples stay regulated during conflict. EFT supports partners in naming what they are truly reacting to. Both approaches encourage curiosity about the other person’s emotional experience instead of defaulting to blame or withdrawal.

Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) offers another useful lens for couples who feel stuck in cycles of frustration. It shifts attention from what is going wrong to what is already working. A therapist might invite the couple to recall a recent moment of connection, however small, and explore what made that moment possible. By identifying and building on these exceptions, couples can start to create more of the relationship they want without needing to dissect every past argument.This approach can be especially helpful in a Singaporean context, where couples often face time constraints and may prefer a forward-looking style of therapy.

When needs go unspoken

Over time, partners may stop expressing what they need from each other. Roles become fixed. Responsibilities grow. The relationship begins to feel more functional than emotional. One partner may feel overextended and resentful. The other may feel dismissed or unable to get anything right.

Choice Theory, developed by Dr. William Glasser, helps couples explore what needs are driving their behaviours. According to this model, every person is trying to meet five basic psychological needs: love and belonging, power, freedom, fun, and survival. When these needs go unmet, people often act out in ways that create more distance rather than closeness.

Therapy based on Choice Theory invites each partner to reflect on what they are choosing in the relationship and whether those choices are bringing them closer or further apart. This shift in focus from blame to personal agency, can help couples communicate more clearly and break patterns of silent resentment.

When intimacy feels difficult

Sexual intimacy is often one of the first things affected when a relationship begins to feel emotionally disconnected. Couples may experience a loss of desire, increased pressure, or a growing sense of emotional and physical distance.

Rather than offering quick fixes or focusing only on technique, therapy supports couples in restoring emotional safety. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples who maintain emotional connection in daily life tend to have more satisfying sexual relationships. Feeling respected, cared for, and emotionally understood creates the foundation for physical intimacy to feel mutual and fulfilling again.

Therapy in this area may involve conversations about boundaries, desires, and moments of rejection that have left an impact. The focus is not on returning to what intimacy used to be, but on finding what closeness can look like now, given who each partner has become.

Navigating marriage in Singapore

In Singapore, many couples balance traditional expectations with modern pressures. Some are navigating multicultural relationships or living with extended family. Others feel the weight of success-driven lifestyles that leave little time or energy for emotional connection.

Therapy that takes culture into account can help couples explore how external influences are shaping their relationship. This may involve renegotiating boundaries with in-laws, rethinking gender roles, or simply making space for conversations that were never encouraged growing up.

Rather than assuming one model of marriage fits all, couple therapy makes room for the complexity of lived experience. For some couples, even acknowledging that emotional needs matter is already a significant step forward.

Rekindling marriage as a daily choice

Rekindling the spark in marriage is not about returning to how things used to be. It is about becoming more intentional with how things are now. This might mean having harder conversations, expressing needs without blame, or simply noticing and nurturing moments of ease.

Marriage will move through seasons. Some will feel light. Others will feel heavy. But even in the quiet or difficult periods, it is possible to grow something steady and meaningful. Therapy offers support not just for repair, but for renewal.

*Note on therapy approaches

The models and modalities mentioned in this article, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy, the Gottman Method, Choice Theory, and Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, are evidence-informed approaches used by trained professionals. There is no single "best" method, as each couple’s needs, goals, and relational dynamics are unique. Your therapist may, at their professional discretion, draw from one or more approaches based on what is most appropriate and helpful for your situation. If you are seeking support, a conversation with your therapist can help clarify which direction might be most beneficial.

Restoring Peace is a private mental health centre which provides counselling and psychotherapy services for children, adolescents, youths, adult individuals, couples and groups with anxiety, depression, trauma, grief and various mental health and relationship challenges. For more information, please visit www.restoringpeace.com.sg or WhatsApp at +65 8889 1848. For periodic updates, we invite you to join our telegram group: https://t.me/restoringpeace.

References

Acevedo, B. P., Aron, A., Fisher, H. E., & Brown, L. L. (2012). Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 7(2), 145–159. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsq092

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (n.d.). The seven principles for making marriage work: Summary. The Relationship Institute. Retrieved April 17, 2025, from https://relationshipinstitute.com.au/uploads/resources/the_seven_principles_for_making_marriage_work_summary.pdf

Johnson, S. M., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L., & Schindler, D. (n.d.). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges. Bona Dea Private Centre. Retrieved April 27, 2025, from https://www.bonadeacentre.co.za/doc/Emotionally%20Focused%20Couples%20Therapy%20-%20Status%20and%20Challenges.pdf

Psychology Today. (n.d.). Couples therapy. Retrieved April 17, 2025, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/therapy-types/couples-therapy

Strong, R. (2023, June 2). Types of couples therapy and how to choose the right one. Business Insider. Retrieved April 17, 2025, from https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/sex-relationships/types-of-couples-therapy

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