Connection Series : Repairing parent-child relationships in adulthood

When the desire to connect is strong but old patterns get in the way, therapy helps adult children show up differently in their relationships with parents.

Why We Still Struggle to Connect

This article is part of our Connection Series, where we explore why some of our closest relationships are also the hardest. The bond between adult children and their parents is one of the most emotionally loaded. It is often laced with loyalty, frustration, affection, and pain, all in one breath.

Many Singaporean adults speak of wanting a closer, more respectful relationship with their parents, but find themselves falling into old roles, unspoken resentments, or shutdown responses. They notice that their body tenses at a familiar tone. Their words become clipped. Or they over-accommodate and feel exhausted after every interaction.

What we call relationship problems are often regulation problems in disguise. We’re not just reacting to our parents as they are; we’re reacting to how we once experienced them.

Therapy helps make this visible. It begins not with fixing the other person, but with understanding our internal system: how we’ve learned to cope, where we get stuck, and what parts of us are still trying to protect the child we used to be.

Internal Family Systems (IFS): Unblending from the Past

IFS therapy views our personality as made up of different “parts,” internal roles that form in response to emotional experiences. These parts may have once been adaptive, but when they over-function, they can limit connection (Schwartz, 2001).

Common parts that show up around parents:

The Pleaser seeks approval, avoids conflict, and sacrifices needs to stay “good.”

The Defender becomes sarcastic, angry or shut down to protect vulnerability.

The Caretaker over-functions emotionally or financially in the family system.

IFS therapy helps individuals connect with these parts without judgment, understand their protective intentions, and invite in the core Self. This Self is a calm, compassionate internal state that can remain present without collapsing into old patterns.

When we are no longer blended with these parts, we create space for choice. In that space, genuine connection becomes possible.

Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT): Attachment Needs Beneath the Surface

EFT centres on the emotional dance between people. In families, this often means misattunement: one person reaches out, the other shuts down; one criticises, the other withdraws.

These are not simply bad communication habits. They are attachment signals.

Many adult children carry long-standing yearnings: “See me for who I am,” “Stop comparing me,” “Let me go without guilt.” But instead of voicing these, they communicate through defensiveness, silence or appeasement.

Likewise, many parents react from fear. They may fear being left behind, becoming irrelevant, or feeling forgotten. Their controlling behaviour can be a misguided attempt at closeness.

Therapy using EFT helps identify these emotional cycles and teaches individuals how to respond from secure ground, rather than from fear or reactivity (Johnson, 2004). Over time, it becomes easier to approach a parent not with blame, but with boundaries and empathy.

Schema Therapy: Understanding the Emotional Blueprint

Schema Therapy explores how unmet childhood needs lead to deeply rooted beliefs, called “schemas,” that shape adult interactions (Young et al., 2003).

For example:

• Subjugation Schema – “If I speak up, I’ll be punished.”

• Defectiveness Schema – “I’m never good enough.”

• Emotional Deprivation Schema – “No one will be there for me.”

  
  

These schemas often activate around parents because that is where they began. A single comment can retrigger a schema, not because it is objectively harsh, but because it reinforces an emotional wound.

In therapy, clients learn to identify their schemas, connect them to early experiences, and respond with new, healthier behaviours. It is not about blaming parents. It is about updating the map.

Culture, Connection and the Complexity of Boundaries

In Singapore, boundaries are often misunderstood as “Western” or selfish. But in reality, healthy boundaries are what allow connection to thrive, because they create clarity and safety for both sides.

Therapy supports clients in:

• Disentangling cultural guilt from personal responsibility

• Reframing autonomy as relational, not rebellious

• Learning to express needs without escalating shame or blame

Whether you live with your parents, see them occasionally, or are in a cycle of avoidance, therapy provides tools to engage differently. It starts with you.

Mending Parent-child Relationships in Adulthood is Possible, But It Starts Within

Repairing the parent-child relationship isn’t always about closeness. Sometimes, it’s about clarity. Sometimes, it’s about grieving what wasn’t.

Therapy helps you reclaim your emotional agency. It helps you respond rather than react. It makes space for compassion, both for your parents’ limitations and for your own needs.

From that grounded place, connection doesn’t have to mean agreement or physical closeness. It can simply mean: I see you, and I no longer lose myself in the process.

*Note on therapy approaches

 The models and modalities mentioned in this article are evidence-informed approaches used by trained professionals. There is no single "best" method, as each individual/couple’s needs, goals, and relational dynamics are unique. Your therapist may, at their professional discretion, draw from one or more approaches that are most appropriate and helpful for your situation. If you are seeking support, a conversation with your therapist can help clarify which direction might be most beneficial.

Restoring Peace is a private mental health centre which provides counselling and psychotherapy services for children, adolescents, youths, adult individuals, couples and groups with anxiety, depression, trauma, grief and various mental health and relationship challenges. For more information, please visit www.restoringpeace.com.sg or WhatsApp at +65 8889 1848. For periodic updates, we invite you to join our telegram group: https://t.me/restoringpeace.

References:

Luscombe, D. (2024, March 18). What contributes to strong parent-adult child relationships? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/hope-and-healing/202504/what-contributes-to-strong-parent-adult-child-relationships

Miller, C. (Host). (2024, February 21). Why parent-adult child relationships are so complicated [Audio podcast episode]. In Speaking of Psychology. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/parent-adult-children-relationships

Sechrist, J., Suitor, J. J., Howard, A. R., & Pillemer, K. (2016). The role of perceived favouritism in adult children's psychological well-being. Journal of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences, 71(6), 1054–1064. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5004250/

Bozhenko, E. (2011). Adult child–parent relationships: On the problem of classification. Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences, 30, 1770–1774. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1877042811021409

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