Identity Series: Navigating Sexuality Beyond Labels

Sexual orientation is deeply personal and often quietly shaped by the people and values around us. Therapy offers a place to explore sexuality without shame or pressure.

In Singapore, questions about sexuality are rarely just about the self. They brush up against family expectations, unspoken cultural rules, religious values, and fears about what might change if something is named too clearly. For some, finding a label offers relief, a way to finally feel seen. For others, it’s not that simple. The words don’t always fit, or the cost of saying them aloud feels too high.

Here, identity is often negotiated quietly. Not out of denial, but out of care. A desire to protect connection, honour relationships, or avoid conflict. Therapy doesn’t force the pace of that negotiation. It simply offers a space where the internal questions can finally be heard, free from pressure to perform or decide.

Holding Identity in Context

For many people, identity is not just about how they perceive themselves, but also about how others perceive them. Sexuality is experienced in relationships, with family, with cultural norms, and with the roles we’ve learned to play. A person might wonder, “What does this mean for my parents?” or “Can this part of me coexist with my faith?” These aren’t distractions from the work of self-discovery; they are part of it.

Therapy honours this complexity. It’s not about pushing someone toward a particular identity or conclusion. Instead, it supports the process of becoming; gently, respectfully, and at a pace that feels safe. Exploration is valid, even when it takes place in silence.

Gestalt therapy and navigating sexuality through 'contact'

Gestalt therapy begins with awareness, specifically the awareness of how a person comes into contact with themselves and the world around them. Rather than aiming to interpret or categorise, it focuses on the client’s present-moment experience. When someone feels stuck, emotionally, behaviourally, or relationally. Gestalt sees this as an interruption in contact. Therapy supports the client in staying with that moment, noticing what emerges, and gradually restoring movement and integration.

This is especially relevant in identity work. Clients may come into therapy unsure of what they feel, or caught between conflicting parts of themselves. Gestalt helps them slow down and observe these internal dynamics. The therapist may invite the client to notice where tension appears in the body or how they speak to themselves when certain topics arise. These observations become a way of re-entering the relationship with the self, bringing curiosity instead of judgment, and presence instead of avoidance.

Rather than asking “Who are you?”, Gestalt asks, “Can you stay with what’s happening now, and allow that to guide what comes next?”

Making Room for Complexity

Other modalities deepen this process by helping clients understand the internal and external forces shaping their experience.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), the internal world is made up of different “parts”, each holding its own emotion, role, or strategy for protection. One part may long for intimacy, another may fear judgment, and another may carry deep loyalty to cultural or familial values. IFS doesn’t ask these parts to agree. It helps them communicate, offering the client a more grounded sense of self-leadership and internal harmony.

Narrative therapy supports clients in examining the stories they’ve inherited about gender, love, roles, and worthiness. These stories often come from family, faith, or society. Therapy allows clients to question these narratives, reflect on how they’ve shaped identity, and choose whether they still fit.

When clarity is elusive, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a way to move forward. ACT shifts the focus from identity labels to values. It asks: what matters most to you? What kind of life do you want to lead, even if the path ahead feels uncertain? This values-based approach helps clients take meaningful steps toward authenticity, while still holding space for discomfort and ambiguity.

Together, these modalities create a multidimensional space for identity exploration. One that includes emotion, culture, behaviour, and meaning.

Living Identity on Your Terms

In Singapore, people navigate identity in many ways. Some feel drawn to speak openly. Visibility becomes part of what it means to live honestly. Others choose a quieter path, protecting relationships, moving slowly, or simply prioritising privacy.

Therapy doesn’t weigh one approach above the other. It recognises that both can be expressions of integrity. What matters most is that individuals have the agency to make their own choices. That they aren’t forced into silence, nor pushed into visibility before they are ready.

Not everyone wants to “come out,” and not everyone needs to. Choosing not to disclose doesn’t mean a person is hiding. Choosing to live visibly doesn’t mean they’re being reckless. Both can reflect deep self-awareness. Therapy creates space for this nuance, helping clients define what authenticity means to them.

Often, sexuality is just the starting point. As sessions unfold, clients begin exploring wider questions about family roles, cultural identity, unspoken grief, or the pressure to live up to someone else’s version of success. These aren’t diversions from identity work. They are the work. Identity is not just about who you love, but how you live.

Therapy doesn't separate these strands. It recognises that emotions, beliefs, history, and relationships shape identity. In this space, clients are invited to pause. To speak freely—or not. To question, revise, and begin again. Over time, the process isn’t about declaring who you are. It’s about building the capacity to be with yourself as you find out.

*Note on therapy approaches

 The models and modalities mentioned in this article are evidence-informed approaches used by trained professionals. There is no single "best" method, as each individual/couple’s needs, goals, and relational dynamics are unique. Your therapist may, at their professional discretion, draw from one or more approaches that are most appropriate and helpful for your situation. If you are seeking support, a conversation with your therapist can help clarify which direction might be most beneficial.

Restoring Peace is a private mental health centre which provides counselling and psychotherapy services for children, adolescents, youths, adult individuals, couples and groups with anxiety, depression, trauma, grief and various mental health and relationship challenges. For more information, please visit www.restoringpeace.com.sg or WhatsApp at +65 8889 1848. For periodic updates, we invite you to join our telegram group: https://t.me/restoringpeace.

Additional Read

Early attachment styles and the impact on adult relationship

Overcoming Low-Self Esteem Through Counselling

Sandplay Therapy

References: 

Kolmannskog, Vikram. (2014). Gestalt Approaches to Gender Identity Issues. Gestalt Review. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/316510906_Gestalt_Approaches_to_Gender_Identity_Issues

DiGloria, J. (n.d.). Internal Family Systems Therapy and Mindful Self-compassion: A Pilot Study of a Treatment Manual with Same-sex Couples - ProQuest. https://www.proquest.com/openview/4e63186d4af36e51d346aff6a62e8bd7/1?cbl=18750&diss=y&pq-origsite=gscholar

Cst, J. L. M. L. L. (2023, December 19). Navigating stigma and uncovering your sexual self. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/sexual-self-discovery/202312/overcoming-cultural-taboos-around-sexuality

Yarhouse, Mark. (2008). Narrative Sexual Identity Therapy. American Journal of Family Therapy. 36. 1-15. 10.1080/01926180701236498. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/277584856_Narrative_Sexual_Identity_Therapy

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