Am I a People Pleaser If I Attend Reunion Dinner When I Don’t Want To?

Admin
3 days ago
3 min read

Updated: 2 hours ago

Therapy - understanding and shifting people-pleasing patterns

Family reunions, like the Chinese New Year reunion dinners, are often framed as meaningful traditions. But what if you attend even when you don’t want to? For some people, saying “yes” in these situations goes beyond cultural or familial respect and may reflect deeper patterns of people-pleasing — a behaviour in which one prioritises other people’s needs, comfort, or approval over their own.

What Is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing refers to a pattern of behaviour where a person systematically sacrifices their own desires, wishes, or emotional needs to accommodate others. People-pleasers may find it difficult to assert themselves, struggle to say “no” even when uncomfortable, and seek validation through acceptance by others. These tendencies can be driven by fear of rejection, insecurity, or the belief that love and belonging depend on meeting others’ expectations.

Psychologically, a people-pleaser may expend emotional energy trying to avoid conflict or disappointment. In extreme cases, individuals may forgo personal needs (such as rest or authenticity around family) to maintain harmony or avoid negative judgments. Over time, this can leave them feeling exhausted or resentful.

Culture, Obligation, and the Reunion Dinner

Attending a reunion dinner in collectivist or family-centred contexts can carry strong social expectations. In many cultures, gatherings are seen as expressions of respect and continuity, not merely optional social events. The norms of reciprocity and reciprocal closeness in families can subtly encourage compliance, even when it conflicts with one’s own desire to stay home or prioritise self-care.

However, the question isn’t just about whether a tradition is important, it’s about why you feel compelled to go. If your choice is truly based on personal values or joy in connection, it likely reflects healthy engagement. But if your decision stems from anxiety about rejection, or difficulty asserting your boundaries, this can be a sign of people-pleasing.

People-Pleasing as a Survival Strategy

Some psychologists argue that people-pleasing isn’t merely a bad habit but often a learned survival strategy. From early environments where emotional attunement felt unpredictable or unsafe, individuals may have learned to be agreeable to preserve connection and security. In this view, people-pleasing can be seen as adaptive and relational, protective in contexts where authenticity feels risky. With awareness and safety, however, these patterns can be re-examined and gradually reshaped.

How People-Pleasing Shows Up in Invitations

People-pleasing can surface in subtle ways when facing invitations like reunions:

Difficulty saying “no,” even when you’re overwhelmed or disengaged emotionally.
Agreeing out of fear of disappointing others or being judged.
Feeling obligated rather than motivated by desire for connection.

These tendencies aren’t inherently “bad,” but when they occur at the expense of your well-being, they may contribute to emotional burnout or suppressed self-expression.

The Role of Therapy

Therapy can play a meaningful role in understanding and shifting people-pleasing patterns. A therapist can help you:

Explore the origins of why saying “no” feels threatening.
Build self-awareness about your genuine needs versus perceived expectations.
Develop healthy boundaries that preserve relationships without losing self-respect.
Practice assertiveness and self-validation, so choices are based on internal motivations, not external pressures.

For some, therapy is a space to reframe people-pleasing not as a personal flaw but as an old coping response that can be updated with greater emotional safety and self-connection.

Restoring Peace is a private mental health centre that provides in-person and online counselling and psychotherapy for children, youth, and adults with depression, stress, anxiety, trauma, PTSD, personality disorder, and other mental health challenges. For more information, please visit www.restoringpeace.com.sg or WhatsApp at +65 8889 1848. You may also join our Telegram group, https://t.me/restoringpeace, for periodic updates.