Friendship Series: Understanding Friendship Tiers & Types in Adulthood

 Not all friends are meant to be close. Therapy helps us understand the different levels of friendship and how to navigate each one with clarity and care.

Some friends are for supper. Some are for soul-bearing.

Different friendships hold different weights. And yet, many of us carry unspoken expectations that every friend should be available, interested, or emotionally present in the same way. When they’re not, it can feel like a personal rejection, or worse, a sign that something is wrong with us.

In therapy, many clients bring up this quiet confusion. Why do I feel left out, even when people surround me? Why does it feel like I’m always giving more than I get?

Understanding the tiers and types of adult friendship offers a more grounded way to relate to others and to reduce the anxiety that comes from unmet expectations or unclear boundaries.

The emotional layers behind friendship

In Singapore, emotional closeness isn’t always something we grow up naming. Many of us were raised with a more pragmatic approach to relationships; group harmony over individual expression, help over empathy.

It’s not uncommon to hear: “We don’t talk about feelings, but we show up when it matters.” Or, “He’s not very expressive, but I know he cares.”

This makes it harder to know what we’re truly seeking in a friendship, especially when emotional needs conflict with social obligations or ingrained norms of loyalty and face-saving. In therapy, this often shows up as a fear of being too much, reluctance to initiate, or guilt when stepping back from one-sided dynamics.

Adult friendship is not just about having someone to hang out with. It meets psychological needs for validation, security, and belonging. Yet many adults feel unsure about where they stand with others.

Therapy and research both highlight how different types of friendships vary in terms of:

• Closeness, how emotionally bonded two people are

• Reciprocity, how mutual the effort and care feel

• Trust, how safe and honest each person feels in the relationship

• Support, whether the friend shows up in ways that matter

The complication is that these dynamics don’t always match what’s visible on the surface. Someone may show up often but still feel emotionally distant. Another may go quiet during a hard season and yet remain deeply loyal.

As we move through adulthood, managing careers, caregiving, and self-development, friendships must shift in form to remain sustainable. That requires clarity about which friendships nourish us, and which ones leave us overextending.

Mapping friendship tiers: A working model

To move beyond confusion, it helps to place friendships on a relational map. This model draws from the work of British anthropologist Robin Dunbar, who proposed that human beings naturally organise their relationships in layers of emotional closeness and time investment. Each layer, or "Dunbar tier," reflects the limited cognitive and emotional bandwidth we have for connection.

Here’s a simplified breakdown:

1. Core friendships (1 to 3 people)

These are your anchor relationships. Emotionally safe, deeply known, and mutually invested. These friends see the full you. You can be messy, honest, or silent, and still feel held.

2. Close friendships (5 to 10 people)

These are your go-to people for support and shared meaning. You may not talk every day, but there’s ease, trust, and a shared rhythm. When something big happens, you reach for each other.

3. Social companions

Lunch buddies, gym friends, event pals. They offer shared activities or familiarity, but they may not know your deeper story. Still, they add lightness and structure to your week.

4. Acquaintances

Neighbours, ex-colleagues, friends of friends. These relationships may be seasonal or circumstantial. They can evolve into deeper friendships, or remain kindly peripheral.

It’s also important to remember that these tiers aren’t fixed. They shift across life stages and circumstances. Someone who was once in your core circle during university might now be a once-a-year catch-up. A new colleague may slowly grow into a trusted confidant. Proximity, shared responsibilities, and emotional availability — all of these influence how a friendship evolves.

Seasons matter too. In times of crisis or transition, we might lean more heavily on a specific friend. In calmer seasons, we might reconnect with others who share our interests or rhythms. Fluidity doesn’t mean flakiness. It reflects a living, breathing network of relationships shaped by time, context, and care.

The challenge is not in the tiers themselves, but in mismatched expectations. Hurt often arises when a Tier 3 friend is treated like a Tier 1, or when we invest in someone who cannot reciprocate. Therapy helps clarify these boundaries, allowing us to relate more intentionally, set healthier friendship expectations, and protect our emotional energy.

When connection becomes content: How online life distorts intimacy

In a digital world, the metrics of friendship have changed. Likes, shares, and read receipts have replaced more embodied signs of care. Someone from your outer circle might message you daily. A close friend might go offline for weeks.

Social media blurs the natural hierarchy and emotional nuances of friendships. It creates a false sense of closeness with those who are merely visible, while sowing doubt about those who are emotionally consistent but digitally quiet.

This affects more than just expectations. It alters how we see ourselves. The constant stream of curated friend groups, story tags, and reaction metrics can make it feel like the value of a friendship and, by extension, our own worth is determined by frequency and visibility.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, “If I mattered, they would reply,” or “If I were more likeable, I’d be included more.” Over time, we start to equate emotional belonging with digital performance.

In therapy, this comes up as:

• Anxiety when messages go unanswered

• Shame when others seem to have more “core” friends

• Loneliness despite high digital interaction

  
  

Decoupling self-worth from friendship tiers is not about lowering expectations or becoming emotionally self-sufficient. It’s about remembering that your value is not measured by response time or online visibility. Therapy helps you hold space for that reminder. It invites you to notice who actually feels safe and restorative to be around, and to soften the grip of the old belief that more attention always means more care.

Friendship changes, and that doesn't mean you’ve done something wrong

Not every friend needs to be a confidant. Not every drifting connection is a betrayal. You’re allowed to have different kinds of friendships for different seasons of your life.

Some people stay. Some fade. Some deepen with time. Others plateau. And that’s okay. What matters most is how well your current relationships match your emotional values, capacity, and needs.

Therapy doesn’t give you a rulebook for friendship. But it helps you unlearn what isn’t working. It brings clarity to your inner world so that you can navigate the outer one with more care, honesty, and peace.

Restoring Peace is a private mental health centre offering counselling and psychotherapy for individuals, couples, families and groups facing challenges such as trauma, anxiety, depression, grief, and relational issues. Learn more atwww.restoringpeace.com.sg or WhatsApp us at +65 8889 1848. For updates and resources, join our Telegram group:https://t.me/restoringpeace

Additional Read:

Friendship Series: When Platonic Closeness Feels Confusing

Dealing with Psychological Threats

Understanding and Healing Your Inner Child

References

Verywell Mind. (2023, August 11). The types of friendship. https://www.verywellmind.com/the-types-of-friendship-7975881

SocialSelf. (2024, February 7). Levels of friendship: How to tell how close you are. https://socialself.com/blog/levels-friendship/

The Next Regeneration. (2018, January 30). The anatomy of friendship in a digital age.https://thenextregeneration.wordpress.com/2018/01/30/the-anatomy-of-friendship-in-a-digital-age/

Büchner, R., Graf, J., Czekalla, N., & Eckstein, K. (2024). Friendship quality and mental health across adulthood: A longitudinal perspective. Frontiers in Developmental Psychology. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fdpys.2024.1419756/full

Martínez-Pampliega, A., et al. (2024). The role of friendship quality in adult psychological well-being. National Library of Medicine. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC11196206/

Becht, A. I., & Nelemans, S. A. (2024). Close friendship development and mental health during adolescence: A meta-analytic test of longitudinal associations. Journal of Adolescent Research.https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/02724316241271327

Keywords

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