Friendship Series: When Platonic Closeness Feels Confusing

Friendship can be deeply intimate without turning romantic. But cultural cues, gender norms, and personal histories often complicate how we experience that closeness.

When a close friendship starts to feel like something more

It starts simply enough: Two friends who click. You and your friend finish each other's sentences, have inside jokes that no one else understands, and turn to each other in moments of joy and crisis. But then someone says, "You two are like a couple." Or you catch yourself wondering, is this what love is supposed to feel like?

In Singapore, where emotional expression tends to stay more private and physical affection can feel restrained, close friendships, especially between same-gender friends, can sometimes blur the lines of what we expect relationships to look like. For some, that blurring brings comfort and familiarity. For others, it stirs uncertainty.

Why emotional intimacy can feel confusing

A close friendship can offer a kind of emotional home, a steady and nourishing presence in an otherwise hectic life. But when that bond begins to feel intense, questions might surface. Is it healthy to be this reliant on a friend? Am I over-attached? Would this be easier if we were dating? These thoughts are not always about sexual attraction. Often, they speak to a more profound longing for intimacy with someone who understands, accepts you for who you are, and consistently cares for you.

When confusion arises, some individuals may pull back because of the concern that the closeness will lead to judgment or misunderstanding by people around them. They miss the connection but try to downplay it. Their own needs or avoid intimacy altogether, especially if they were raised to value independence over connection.

It does not help that many of us have grown up with the idea that emotional intimacy and romance are tightly linked. In many Asian families, members express their feelings through actions more than words. So when a friendship feels emotionally nourishing, we might not have the language to describe it.

Therapy helps clarify platonic closeness without rushing to label

This is where therapy can help. Rather than jumping to conclusions, it offers space to notice the emotional responses that are coming up. For example, some clients find that different parts of them are responding in different ways. One part might feel safe and affirmed by the closeness, another might feel awkward or exposed, and another might worry about what happens if things change. Naming and listening to these internal voices without judging them can bring relief.

In some cases, a person might realise their intensity in a friendship reflects a fear of abandonment. For others, the discomfort may come from early experiences of being shamed for expressing need. A therapist may notice and reflect these patterns gently, helping clients explore how such experiences shape their current ways of relating.

When friendship stirs deeper insecurities, such as long-held beliefs that closeness leads to pain or rejection, the work becomes more about understanding than fixing. Rather than trying to correct these patterns on the spot, therapy creates space for greater awareness, curiosity, and self-compassion.

When identity and culture add complexity

For individuals from the LGBTQ+ community, same-gender closeness may carry added weight. There might be uncertainty about attraction or concern about how others perceive the relationship. At the same time, individuals who identify as heterosexual might struggle with fears of being judged and, as a result, suppress affection that would otherwise feel natural. These responses do not occur in a vacuum. They are shaped by culture, safety, and lived experience.

Relationships that are emotionally rich but non-romantic, such as queerplatonic partnerships, are often misunderstood. These connections, while not based on romantic or sexual desire, can carry just as much depth, commitment, and life integration as traditional partnerships. For some, these relationships become their primary emotional bond. Yet because they do not fit conventional models, they can be difficult to explain or legitimise.

Instead of offering a single framework, therapy stays with the nuance. It supports people in recognising their inner signals, giving them time and space to reflect. Is there safety here? Is there discomfort? Is the discomfort about the friendship itself, or what it represents?

Making room for meaningful, non-romantic connections

Not all closeness needs to lead to something else. A deep friendship can be enough. It can be rich, intimate, and emotionally fulfilling on its own terms. Platonic partnerships can challenge dominant narratives about which relationships should be prioritised, showing that chosen bonds outside of romance can be just as central and stabilising.

When we release the need to slot relationships into neat categories, we make more space for the diversity of connections to emerge.

Restoring Peace is a private mental health centre offering counselling and psychotherapy for individuals, couples, families and groups facing challenges such as trauma, anxiety, depression, grief, and relational issues. Learn more at www.restoringpeace.com.sg or WhatsApp us at +65 8889 1848. For updates and resources, join our Telegram group: https://t.me/restoringpeace

References 

• Duffy, L.. Platonic life partnerships, unveiled. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/platonic-love/202402/platonic-life-partnerships-unveiled 

• Hill, J.. What is a queerplatonic relationship? Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-queerplatonic-relationship-8646769 

• Raypole, C.. What is a platonic relationship? Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-platonic-relationship-5185281 

• Taylor, L.. The secret of platonic relationships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201802/the-secret-of-platonic-relationships 

• Treisman, R.. Why men struggle with friendship. TIME. https://time.com/6694925/men-friendship-complicated-essay

Keywords

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