Identity Series: How performance-driven masculinity hurts emotional health

Many men grow up learning to hide what feels soft or uncertain. This article asks what gets lost in that process and what a more whole version of masculinity might look like.

A boy quickly learns not to cry, not to complain, and to hold himself together. As he grows up, these early lessons solidify. He avoids needing, feeling, or asking for help. If he does struggle, he hides it.

For many, masculinity becomes a constant performance of control. On the outside, he appears capable, logical, and self-sufficient. On the inside, he often feels shame, loneliness, and fear that there’s no space for softness.

This pressure comes from many places. Social norms, media portrayals, and peer culture all enforce a narrow image of what it means to be a man. When Adolescence, a Netflix series, made headlines for showing the emotional struggles of teenage boys, it reflected a broader cultural trend shaped by the red pill movement, manosphere influencers, and media that prefers certainty over emotional nuance.

This article explores how men pay the price for this performance, and what becomes possible when they no longer need to act.

How emotional suppression takes root

Outward confidence and stoicism often mask an inner discomfort with vulnerability. Many men learn to control or avoid emotions. They don’t become more resilient. They become more disconnected.

These patterns often appear in therapy:

• Difficulty naming emotions beyond anger or stress.

• Shame around rest, gentleness, or needing support.

• A drive to fix, strive, and stay busy to avoid stillness.

• Loneliness, even within seemingly close relationships.

  
  

These behaviours rarely come from pride. More often, they’re protective. Emotional suppression once earned approval or avoided embarrassment. But over time, what protected them becomes a barrier.

Anger and aggression often act as shields, guarding against emotions like fear, shame, or sadness. Many men were never shown how to manage these softer feelings, so they turn to what feels more familiar. They lean into stoicism, humour, deflection, or bursts of rage. Anger becomes a release for emotions that never found safe expression. But over time, this protection creates disconnection from others and themselves.

Today’s media often treats masculinity as something men must earn, defend, and constantly prove. Red pill culture and online masculinist spaces recycle an old message: real men dominate, stay detached, and never depend on others.

These ideas give structure to men who feel rejected, isolated, or emotionally lost. But they also limit emotional range. Vulnerability is cast as weakness. Relationships become contests for control. Emotional honesty gets ridiculed or dismissed.

Mainstream stories reinforce these ideas. Many male leads are emotionally distant or celebrated for their anger. We rarely see models of male tenderness, emotional clarity, or grief handled with care.

This shapes a culture of hyper-awareness. Men not only watch how they behave. They also monitor who they’re allowed to become.

Signs of hidden distress in men

Men who live by rigid internal rules often describe:

• Feeling unknown, even by those closest to them.

• Holding themselves to standards that silence emotional needs.

• Mourning parts of themselves, they had to shut down to belong.

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These patterns may lead to anxiety, depression, relationship strain, or physical symptoms like chronic fatigue. Loneliness often runs underneath them. Not the kind that comes from being alone, but the kind that grows when no one sees what you carry. Men may feel valued for what they provide, not who they are. Over time, emotional isolation builds quietly but powerfully.

Therapy doesn’t replace one version of masculinity with another. It encourages reflection. Who defined manhood for you? What did you have to leave behind to meet that definition? What would strength look like without hardness?

Many men find that what they feared, such as tenderness, grief, or not knowing, often brings relief. They realise that emotional connection doesn’t take away from who they are. It helps them feel more fully themselves.

Questions one can ask to start unpacking masculinity

• What messages shaped my view of manhood?

• When do I feel pressure to prove I’m strong?

• Are there parts of me I’ve hidden, even from myself?

• How would it feel to relate to others without performing?

  
  

These questions won’t lead to quick answers. But they open space for something more genuine to emerge. This kind of masculinity does not rely on silence, fear, or shame.

Restoring Peace is a private mental health centre offering counselling and psychotherapy for individuals, couples, families and groups facing challenges such as trauma, anxiety, depression, grief, and relational issues. Learn more at www.restoringpeace.com.sg or WhatsApp us at +65 8889 1848. For updates and resources, join our Telegram group: https://t.me/restoringpeace

Additional Read:

Managing Emotional Overwhelm

Recognising and Coping with Emotional Triggers

Navigating Your Emotions Through Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT)

References 

• American Psychological Association. (2018). Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men. https://www.apa.org/about/policy/boys-men-practice-guidelines.pdf

• Wong, Y. J., Steinfeldt, J. A., Speight, Q. L., & Hickman, S. J. (2010). The roles of gender norms and masculine ideology in men's help-seeking attitudes. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 11(2), 113–125.

• Botto, M., & Gottzén, L. (2023). Swallowing and spitting out the red pill: young men, vulnerability, and radicalisation pathways in the manosphere. Journal of Gender Studies, 33(5), 596–608. https://doi.org/10.1080/09589236.2023.2260318

• Rice, S. M., Purcell, R., & McGorry, P. D. (2023). The impact of traditional masculinity on help-seeking and mental health. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC12117241/

• Verywell Mind. (2021). The Dangerous Mental Health Effects of Toxic Masculinity. https://www.verywellmind.com/the-dangerous-mental-health-effects-of-toxic-masculinity-5073957

• Anxiety and Depression Association of America. (2022). What is Toxic Masculinity and How it Impacts Mental Health. https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/what-toxic-masculinity-and-how-it-impacts-mental

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